by jessica jones



I taught the man I was dating how to break up with me

Here’s how this particular moment of dating psychosis went down:

This young man (I have a few years on him, perhaps the basis of his search for my instruction) needed to get rid of a girl with whom he was being ambiguous about his intentions.  I told him that ambiguity is nobody’s friend. All it does is drag what is unpleasant through the mud until it is wretched, defiled and vile. I told my young paramour to be direct and clear and honest.  I let him know that the girl deserved that level of respect even if it would be painful for both of them in the short run. I explained how effective and appreciated the conversation would be by the recipient, as well as how kind he would seem to her.

A few days later, he told me how well my technique had worked and that “everything was chill” with the other girl.  I was delighted.  I assumed that he had been clearing the decks so we could embark on our burgeoning relationship without strings attached.  He had, after all, been very upfront with me about how much open communication meant to him and that it was essential for a relationship.

One week later, he used the exact same lines/technique I had patiently taught him on me.  I was stuck, not unlike James Franco in 127 Hours between a rock and a hard place.  More precisely, a clown and a stupid place. I was both gobsmacked and highly amused. 

Did he not know that I had the capacity to recognize my own words even if they were coming from his (bearded hipster) lips?  Did he think that, like the girl he had successfully dispatched, that I would blithely accept his attempt to exit stage right passively?  Poor thing didn’t know what hit him.  It started when I laughed in his face.  It ended with him being lured back into my bed and now being burdened with the task of having to contact me for his clothing that had found its way into my laundry basket.  He claims that, unlike his past relationships, he’d like ours to continue. He's like to keep me in his life. 

I have yet to find out if it’s for my sparkling wit or my gratis laundry service.