by jessica jones


I've been dabbling in online dating lately and am admittedly WAY behind the curve.  Which sites to join, how to make the most of them, how to determine if someone is an axe murderer by the way he punctuates his profile essay....all mysteries to me.  Until recently.  I've learned a lot in a very short period of time.

I've learned, among other things, that no one reports their age properly, they use photos that are twenty years old, everyone is a captain of his or her respective industry and no one has a vulnerable underbelly.  If a profile does make mention of an underbelly, it's usual in a less than chaste context. Basically, I've learned that no one is as they claim to be.

What would it be like if we represented ourselves as we really are?  What would happen if we let our freak flags fly?  What would it be like to let your real personality loose on an unsuspecting public?

I pondered this question for a while. I considered the usual tropes found in dating profiles. I considered the personalities of some of the women I've run across in my time in NYC and made a composite of them in my mind.  Let's call her Rhoda.  I've grown to love Rhoda and hope she finds her bliss. If Rhoda were honest with herself and others, this would be her online profile. 



Hi all you guys on!  I’m so psyched you’re checking me out.  Welcome to my world! 

The most important thing to know about me is that I have finally gotten to a really good place in my life and know exactly what I want.  If you are a sociopath, liar, thief, pervert or grifter, I have to admit you may be my kind of guy.  Keep reading! Ha Ha!

Let's get this straight first: I don't need anyone to take care of me.  My father does that.  Yes, I am an adult person but will always be Daddy's little girl.  What a relief for you, right? Also, I'm NOT looking for someone to complete me.  I complete MYSELF thanks to Dr. Diamond (love those line fillers!), Dr. Levine (such judicious use of pharmaceuticals), and Ling Soong, best aesthetician on the Upper East Side.  After Ling's light peel, her patented dermabrasion and three weeks of recovery out of sunlight, I'm truly my best self!  If you're paying attention, you'll also see that I'm a devotee of the Oxford comma.  If that's a deal breaker for you, I can't fault you for it.  It is definitely a deal breaker for me.

I know a lot of people say that they're at home under all kinds of conditions, but I really mean it.  I'm just as happy in my custom made leather restraints and zipper hood as I am hanging around with friends at a bar.  When I'm out with my crowd I usually sport my hand-crafted hemp overalls and Ikat turban I wove during Recreational Therapy at The Mirago Spa (the good one in Arizona). 

I love to laugh and have a good time.  It's so important to me.  I adore attending fashion week, always in my front row seat next to whoever Posh Spice sold her seat to that year.  Poor thing must be strapped for cash these days.  Happens to the best of people.  Not MY people, but people.  Right?  I also really enjoy hosting wheat grass juice tastings for my friends and encouraging them to do rigorous cleanses under my strict tutelage.  If they want to fit into my old couture, they have to do the work.  That's all I'm saying.  I've learned to deflect their occasional petty jealousies by hanging up whenever they question my choices or decide to talk about themselves.  I mean, really. Dr. Levine keeps me focused on number one!  "Self care" is my mantra.  Other people will suck the life out of you if you let them, are you with me?

Hobbies are important if you want to be a well rounded person, and I play as hard as I work. I'm not working right now but if I did, that's how hard I'd work. Lately I've been using my spare time to make artisanal cottage cheese (it's the only thing I eat right now) in my bathtub (microbreweries are so last year).  Ling Soong always tells me to keep the excess whey in the tub so I can have a good softening soak in it before bedtime. She really knows what she's talking about, trust me.

As for you, beyond what I said up at the top of this description, there really isn't much more to say.  All I need in my unique guy is a payday upwards of $750k per annum (before bonus), substantial equipment, a face like Ryan Gosling's and the good sense to know when to shut up.  That's all that ANY woman wants and I'm just your average girl. 

 Thanks for taking the time to read about meeeeeee!!!!